Where Have I Been?

***WARNING. THIS IS AN EMOTIONAL AND PERSONAL POST. I AM NOT BAD-MOUTHING OR BLAMING ANYONE. JUST SHARING WHAT I’VE BEEN GOING THROUGH.***

I’m baaaa-aaaack!  I know I’ve been entirely MIA for the longest time. I attempted a couple times to come back or repurpose other things (okay thing) I have written to keep myself relevant but I simply couldn’t keep up. Why? Well because Chaos complete and utter Chaos (yes, with a capital C).

My dad came home from the hospital in April. He had had a stroke in February. My mom and I were trying to make sure we visited him everyday, kept up with the social worker and the therapists, made sure the bills coming in were paid, did his laundry and brought it back on time for him to have clean clothes, and make plans for when he came home. We thought we were overwhelmed. Then he came home.

That man has always been mean and needy, but add a stroke, a few brain injuries, the inability to bear weight, and incontinence, and I guess anyone would be meaner and needier. But I’ve worked in health care, memory care, etc before in the past and never dealt with someone quite like this. But my mom and I were making it work. At least we had each other. If I had to take the kids somewhere, she watched him. If she had to go to a meeting, I watched him. And when we got frustrated, we could commiserate.

Mother's Day 2015
Mother’s Day 2015

Then she got sick.

After a week or two of feeling absolutely horrible, she finally agreed to get blood work done. That night the phone rang. It was the lab technician saying GO TO THE ER RIGHT NOW! I took her and she was immediately rushed to another hospital with an oncology ICU.  I told my brother and drove into town that night.

So I spent a lot of time trying to visit her in the hospital and still rush home to take care of my father. (There was one weekend that they were both in separate hospitals – he was diagnosed with a 100% blocked LAD, as well as 5 other blocked branches, and a 70% long block in his right coronary artery.) I wish I had had more time to spend with her in the hospital before she got too sick.

We received a call that she was in remission and we were all so excited. Even though she had been unresponsive for a couple weeks, she was in remission!!!  But then we found out about several other viruses she had contracted due to the chemo weakening her immune system. These were viruses that could not be treated. And the doctors said it was time for us to make the call to pull life support. That was the hardest night of my life. It was horrible. But I am trying not to remember her like that.

After that, there was still the funeral to plan. And my dad’s 24 care to attend to. He didn’t like me to be on the computer and had a hard time letting me sit down with the kids at the table 20 feet away as opposed to hovering over him the whole time. I do love my dad, but he called the police on me one time for picking my daughter up after school. And told me I have to wait until my brother comes back for Christmas to have a shower.  So stressed and overwhelmed ALMOST begin to describe how I felt.

It felt like not only did I abandon my home, my blog, and my dreams, but it felt like I abandoned and failed my kids and fucked up their summers (and part of their school year) if not more.

I just moved my father into a BEAUTIFUL skilled nursing facility. So now I can at least spend time with the kids, sleep during the night, and get life back on track. I’m still being called to go to the nursing home on a daily basis, but I think soon that will settle a bit too…let’s hope.

Regardless, I’m here now. And YOU are stuck with me! 🙂
(Please, please be stuck with me!) 

 

(p.s. my love and interest in health and sharing that health has grown due to my experiences and I am going to be working on a new professional blog. It’s not ready yet, but if you want a sneak peak you can check out the About Me and my first post about my September Favorites here and here. Keep checking back to both sites as some big changes will be coming soon!)

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